


Honesty

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-20
Updated: 2003-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-27 12:43:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12081291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Takes place between episodes #216 and #220. I have adapted it to follow along with the potential spoilers I have read, regardless as to whethere or not they are accurate.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Our story begins with Brian meeting Lindsay and Gus at a cafe near his office for lunch.... 

Lindsay watched as Brian Kinney strolled towards the outside table that she and Gus had been waiting at for twenty minutes. "You're late," she said as Brian sat down next to her. Brian did not respond, instead he looked at Gus and said "Hey Sonny boy," as he gently rubbed the top of his little boy's head. Brian then began to complain about the idiots he worked with and how none of them could come up with a new idea if their life depended on it. Lindsay listened in silence as Brian went on to explain how he was working on a new project and as usual he had a bunch of idiots to deal with. She had heard it all before, so she started to zone out after a few minutes, she was preoccupied with the plans her and Mel had to renovate their house. Eventually Brian noticed that Lindsay was not really paying attention, so he suddenly started telling her a graphic sexual story involving several of his co-workers, which of course caught her attention. She gave him a disapproving look and said "not in front of Gus." Brian replied, "Why are you so upset, now that you are married Mel isn't fucking you anymore?" She replied, "You know Brian, the world does not revolve around sex, and I wish you would watch your language around Gus." Brian glanced over at Gus, who was not paying any attention to their conversation he was busy scribbling with his crayons on a small pad of paper from Lindsay's purse. Brian could not help but smile. 

"What are you smiling about?" Lindsay asked. "I was just thinking that he is already showing his artistic side and he is not even two yet" Brian replied. "Well, I guess that must be because he has spent a lot of time surrounded by artists," Lindsay said as she looked Brian in the eye. 

Brian quickly recanted "Yes, you are his mother after all. 

" She replied, "I meant Justin too, he has spent a lot of time with Justin, and he loves to watch Justin draw," she paused for a second and then said, "Brian, you know Justin's work is improving more each day." 

Lindsay continued to stare at Brian to see if he reacted, but he looked away. But not before Lindsay got a glimpse of the pain in Brian's eyes. Just then a waiter approached the table and asked if he could take their orders. They quickly ordered and the waiter went to get Brian a scotch on the rocks which he had asked be brought out immediately. Lindsay once again gave him a look of disapproval, and then she said "Brian, have you spoke to Justin at all in the past month?" 

Brian answered "Not really, why should I, he decided to move out, he made his decision." Lindsay replied 

"Decision? Really Brian what choice did he have, you agreed to rules and you broke them, you brought a trick back to the loft and into the bed you share and he walked in on you, what did you expect him to do, join in?" 

Brian replied, "Well, he could have." The waiter returned and placed the scotch in front of Brian who quickly began sucking it down. Lindsay rolled her eyes; Brian really upset her when he shut her out. She then went for a different approach and said, "Justin came by the house yesterday to see Gus, he comes by a few times a week actually." Brian quickly drank the rest of his scotch and grabbed the waiter, who was walking by and asked for another. "Why do you insist on talking about him?" Brian asked and rolled his eyes. Lindsay then said, "Brian, I am not sure if you know this but Justin has a new boyfriend, his name is Jeremy." She knew she had finally gotten his attention, because he looked like he was going to be sick. After several minutes of silence, Brian said, "Emmett has not mentioned anything about that." "Well, Emmett and Justin are pretty close these days, since Justin has been staying with him, did you really think he would tell you that?" Lindsay asked. "It doesn't matter anyway, Justin can do whatever or whomever he wants," Brian said and then he quickly changed the subject and began talking about how Michael was once again being the little housewife and throwing a dinner party for Ben, his boyfriend's birthday, whom he was now living with. This time Lindsay just allowed him to change the subject since she felt she had accomplished her goal of letting Brian know that he needed to do something quick if he wanted Justin back. At the end of their lunch, Lindsay reminded Brian that she would be dropping Gus off on Sunday at 7:00 p.m., so she and Mel could go to their Gay and Lesbian Center Meeting. 

After they parted, Brian walked slowly back to his office; his mind however was racing. "Boyfriend? We have only been apart for a little over a month; he did not waste anytime did he? Jeremy, who the hell is that? I should have asked Lindsay for details. Justin has been with other people since we have been together, but never seriously. Although, I was very freaked out about the whole thing with that kid Eric. But a boyfriend, Justin has really moved on. Fuck, and it is all my own fault." 

When Brian went back into the office, Cynthia attempted to tell him that Ryder wanted to see him about the Shipley account, but Brian walked right by her and said "hold my calls," then he went into his office and slammed the door behind him. Cynthia thought "there is only one reason he would be upset like that, and his name is Justin." 

Later that same evening....Brian went to Woodies to meet Michael, Ted, and Emmett for drinks. When he arrived, the boys could tell by the look on his face that he was not going to be good company. As he approached the table they were seated at, Emmett replied "Well, don't you look thrilled to be here?" Michael said, "Bad day?" and Ted said, "What you only got hit on 20 times instead of 30 today?" "Fuck Off" Brian said as he sat down. After that Brian did not say much, Emmett was going on and on about the things he would like to do to the guy sitting at the other side of the bar, and of course Ted and Michael would add what they also like to do if they too were single. After about an hour, Ted announced that he would be leaving because Blake had dinner waiting for him. Then Emmett said he had a date and had to go too. They both left and said they would see Brian and Michael tomorrow night at Michael's dinner party. After they left, Michael said, "Brian, what the hell is wrong with you?" Brian then asked, "Did you know that Justin has a new boyfriend?" Michael looked uncomfortable and began to fidget in his seat. "You did?" Brian said, looking shocked. Michael then replied, "Well, he did mention some guy named Jeremy when we were working on our comicbook last week and when I went by to see Em the other day there was someone in my old room with Justin." Michael hesitated and then said, " I asked who Justin was with and Em told me that Justin had been spending a lot of time with this Jeremy guy." Brian did not say anything, but Michael could see he was not happy with the answer he had been given. "Brian, I did not think it mattered, I thought it was over between you and Boy Wonder," Michael said. "Don't call him that," Brian said slamming down his beer and partially spilling it. "Jesus, Brian you are in a mood," Michael said as he took a napkin and soaked up the beer from the table. Brian did not respond and they sat there in silence until he finally said "I'm leaving do you need a ride home?" Michael said "No, I am going over to visit my Mom for awhile, do you want to come?" "No" Brian mumbled as he put his jacket on and then he said "Bye" and left. Michael was worried about Brian, but he knew that sometimes it was best not to push Brian into discussing something unless he did so voluntarily especially when it came to Justin. 

It was about 7:00 when Brian left Woodies, he considered going to Babylon but decided against it, he already had anyone worth having there and he did not do repeats, well except for Justin he thought to himself. In fact, the irony of the whole situation is that since Justin moved out Brian had not really been with anyone. A week after Justin left, Brian did go to the backroom at Babylon with some hot young twink. He wanted to kill the pain, stop the emptiness he felt, but for the first time in his life, Brian Kinney was not able to maintain an erection. He had blamed the problem on the twink complaining that he should learn to cover his teeth. Brian had ended the encounter by telling the trick to fuck off. 

Brian did not want to deal with another encounter like that and he knew that he was not going to be able to wash this pain away with a quick fuck in the backroom of Babylon, so Brian decided to go home. During the ride back to the loft, his thoughts kept returning to one thing, Justin Taylor... 

"Why can't I just forget him? Because I love him that is why, I have never told him, but I do, I have probably loved him since the first time I ever saw him standing there on Liberty Avenue, but I did not realize it until I almost lost him, when that bastard attacked him, I can't think about that. So, if I love him why can't I stop fucking around? Because, its sex, not love-I tried to explain that to him. But he doesn't get it. I even stopped bringing tricks home to the loft because he asked me to stop, but I slipped up just that one time and he caught me in our bed with that trick. Fuck, that was stupid, but Brian Kinney is not supposed to have regrets. But I do. Sex with nameless strangers it is just like using drugs it is a high for me; I need it to stop my pain. Half the time, I don't even enjoy it anymore, I even feel guilty afterward. Damn him. I don't need this shit, I never wanted a relationship, but somehow it just happened and before I knew it he was living with me. He tried to leave once before when he found me fucking the guy from the grocery store, but I talked him out of it by telling him that he was the one I wanted to come home to and agreeing to a relationship with rules. Rules that I broke, I fucked up, and its over now, he is with someone else. I never deserved him in the first place." 

Brian entered the loft, and for a moment started to yell "Justin," but he stopped himself, remembering that Justin was no longer there. Although Brian had lived alone in the loft for a long time before Justin came along, it now felt empty without him, and his presence was all around Brian, but he was gone. Brian remembered when Justin had ran away to New York after the break in and the conversation he had with Lindsay and how she had said that he was forgetting to list the most important thing he was missing-Justin. God, now he understood what she meant. Brian walked over to the living room wall where the first drawing that Justin had done of him was hanging. He recalled the day he had finally confessed to Justin that he was he one who bought it. It happened not long after the attack, Justin had quit school and was screwing up. Justin kept saying he thought he was not meant to be an artist. So, one night Justin came home from an evening of partying and to his surprise found the picture of Brian naked hanging on the living room wall. Brian was already in bed, but Justin woke him up by climbing on top of him and saying "Brian, who is that naked guy hanging on your wall?" 

Brian then told him that he was the one who bought it and he had decided to get it out and hang it to remind Justin that he has a talent and that he was proud of him. Brian still recalled how Justin's eyes filled up with tears, but he had a beautiful smile on his face. Not long after that Justin began to draw again and re-enrolled in school. Brian then walked back into the bedroom and looked at the picture on the dresser of him and Justin sitting with Gus in between their two laps at the Pride Parade. He remembered how he had acted annoyed the day he came home from work and discovered that Justin had framed it and placed it on the dresser. But the annoyance was just an act. In fact, Brian found himself looking at the picture quite often in the middle of the night when he could not sleep, Justin had even caught him several times. Brian stood there staring at the picture; it had been such a great night for them. He remembered how Justin had left him to his "evil ways" but he did not want Justin to leave. He remembered following him and saying, "hey stud wanna dance?" He remembered that beautiful smile Justin flashed at him, and the dance they shared. He remembered how complete he felt during that dance, he always felt that way when he danced with Justin. Brian decided he was getting too sentimental and so he decided to take a shower. But when he walked into the bathroom, he immediately looked at the toothbrush holder, Justin had left his toothbrush there. Brian figured that he had probably done this purposely so Brian would think of him when he saw it. That was something that romantic kid would do. And it had worked because when Brian looked at it he did think of him. Brian had entertained the idea of throwing it away, but for some reason he could not bear to do it, even now. Brian undressed and got in the shower. Once again his mind returned to the same person, he thought about the many times they had made love in that shower and his cock became erect. He loved to wash Justin's body and lick the water off of him. He began to slide his hand up and down his erection, imagining it was Justin's hand moving up and down his cock, the memory of this lover's touch alone made him erupt with passion. After he stepped out of the shower he was about to wipe the steam off of the mirror when he began think about the first time they made love after the attack. It was actually the first time Brian had ever made love to anyone. They had fallen asleep holding each other, "all wet and sticky." He remembered once asking Michael if Doctor Dave took a shower after they had sex or held him all wet and sticky. Michael had told him that Dave held him all wet and sticky, and Brian had said "Well he must really love you then." Those words echoed in Brian's mind as he stared at the steamed up mirror. He thought about the morning after that and how they showered together and Justin got out of the shower first and wrote, "I love you" on the mirror with his finger, so Brian would see it when he got out. Brian recalled how he wrote "I love you too," but he wiped it off with the towel before Justin came back in the room. Brian dried himself and put on his silk robe, which was hanging on the back of the bathroom door, he noticed that Justin had left his silk robe that Brian had bought him hanging on the back of the door. Brian picked it up and held it up to his face and breathed in. "I love the way he smells..." Brian thought, but then quickly hung the robe back on the door and crawled into bed and tried to go to sleep. Brian could not get comfortable, the bed felt so empty without Justin. Brian looked over at Justin's side of the bed and wished his lover were still there. When Justin had first started spending the night at the loft, Brian used to often have trouble sleeping, but after Justin moved in the second time, Brian started sleeping more soundly then he ever had before. Although he was often awoken by the sound of Justin struggling in his sleep with nightmares after the attack when that happened Brian would pull Justin close to him and hold him until he fell back asleep. Brian would only be able to fall back asleep when he knew that Justin was again sleeping soundly. 

Brian longed to be able to watch him sleep again, to hear the sound of him breathing, and to be able to touch him in the middle of the night. Brian's mind began racing again... 

"I have to stop thinking about this. It is over. He has moved on, he is with someone else, sleeping by someone else's side. Oh god what have I done? I have lost him; he does not love me anymore. I should have never let him get so close, because when you let people in you get hurt. After the attack at the prom, his mother had asked me to leave him alone, but then later she asked me to take him, I should have said no. I should not have let him live with me and get even closer to me. I should have known better. But I wanted to help him so much, I could not bear to watch him suffer. I wanted to take away all his pain and bring that beautiful smile back to his face. I thought I helped him, but in the end I wound up causing him more pain. I promised him I would not bring anyone home with me anymore and I didn't for a couple months, but then I slipped. My mother had called earlier that day and we had an argument as usual. I could feel the pain starting and I wanted to escape from it. After we talked, I needed to be with Justin, but he did not answer his cell phone, so I left a message for him to call me, I tried not to sound upset, but I guess I did and that is why he came home early that night. He came home early to take care of me just like he always does. How many times had he taken care of me when I was hung over or not feeling well. But, I could not wait for him to come home, instead I went to Woodies and picked up the first trick I could and brought him home. Why did I have to ring him home? I was not thinking about what I was doing I just wanted to stop the pain in my head, and in the end I made it much worse. Because Justin came home early ... 

I can remember the look on his face when saw us. He supposed to be at an Art exhibit with Lindsay, but he came home early to check on me after hearing my message on his cell phone. He had walked in the door and jokingly yelled "Honey, I'm home, are you okay?" But as he walked to our bedroom he saw me in our bed fucking some trick whose name I of course don't recall. I don't even want to recall any of their names or anything about them. But what I can't forget is the hurt on Justin's face. When I saw him I stopped fucking the trick. The other times Justin had found me with someone I had always finished, but I could not this time. I did not want to. The trick looked at Justin and asked "who the fuck are you," Justin did not answer him and neither did I. Justin approached the bed and when he was right in front of us and I saw the tears pouring down his face. I quickly got up and grabbed my jeans off the floor and pulled them on. The trick said, "We are not finished, what are you doing?" I replied "Yes, we are -get the fuck out." The guy gathered his things and quickly left, yelling "Asshole" as he walked out the door. Justin just stood there and said nothing. I felt ashamed and guilty. God, how guilty I felt. I tried to go over to him and brush his tears away with my hand, but he pushed my hand away, and said "please don't touch me Brian." There had only been two times when Justin had ever rejected my touch, the first time was when he was suffering form Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after the attack and the second time was right after he found me with the guy from the grocery store. I remember feeling like I was going to be sick. Then Justin went over to the closet and got out his duffel bag and began putting some of his clothes in it. At first I thought maybe he was just going to go stay somewhere for the night. Although he had never stayed out the whole night before. I recalled the closest he had came was when he was upset with me because I did not get home until 5:00 a.m., after I had agreed that I would always be home by 3:00 a.m. So, the next night he did not come home to give me a taste of my own medicine, he always had a way of doing that. But he called from Emmett's in the middle of the night and said he missed sleeping in our bed and wanted to come home, so I went and got him. But I had known this was not the same, I had gone too far this time. "Where are you going?" I asked. "I am going to stay at either Emmett's or my Mom's house." He replied, refusing to look at me. 

"When will you be back?" I asked. "I will come and get the rest of my things tomorrow when you are not here," he answered. "Why, because of that trick, it meant nothing Justin, you know that." I said. Justin did not respond and began walking toward the door. "Baby, please..." I said. I had never called him Baby before that night as far as I could recall. I am not sure why because he is my baby, well was my baby. He did not even look back at me as he continued walking right out the door, out of my life. After he left, I sat alone on the couch for a long time; I did not know what to do. After a few hours went by and I did not hear from him, I tried to call his cell phone, but he did not answer it. Then I tried to call Emmett's apartment, but Emmett said that Justin had just fell asleep and he was not going to wake him up and then he abruptly got off the phone before I could say anything else. That was the first full night since Justin came to live with me that he was not sleeping next to me. I could not sleep, I was too worried. I kept thinking he would call or come back. But the next day when I came home from work, most of his things were gone and the keys to the loft and the jeep were sitting on the dresser next to the picture of us from the Pride Parade. I could not believe it, he really left me. But still I thought he was just trying to prove a point and that he would call or come back, but still he did not. Now over a month has gone by and he has not contacted me, and now he has someone else." 

The next morning Brian forced himself to go to work. Cynthia knew he was still upset by the bags under his eyes and the stubble on his face. He did not even say anything as he walked by her and went into his office and shut the door. For the past month she had noticed Brian had been extremely withdrawn and moody. She had also noticed that Justin had not called or came by to meet Brian for lunch like he had so many times before. About a week prior she asked Brian, "Where is Justin?" and all he said in reply was "Gone." She knew not to question him any further for fear he would lash out at her, she knew Brian well enough to know that he liked to keep his private life private. Brian tried to work with as little contact with people for the entire day, and luckily he was not disturbed much. Several times that day, he pulled out a picture of Justin holding Gus that he kept in his drawer. His mind began to wonder again... 

"I need to stop this and pull myself together. Justin is only 19 years old, I am almost 31. It could never last. Anyway, I never wanted a boyfriend in the first place. Christ, boyfriend, did I really just use that word? But the truth is he was so much more than that to me, he was my friend, my lover, my partner, but I did not ever say that to him. Jesus, I sound like Lindsay." 

Brian suffered through the rest of the day at the office and then he went home and showered and headed over to Michael and Ben's house for the dinner party. The whole time he was pushing away any thought he had involving Justin. But he knew that Justin would be at the party. He wondered if Justin would bring Jerome to the party. Brian did not know if he could handle that. His stomach was in knots as he approached the front door. He had not been face to face with Justin since the breakup. However, he had seen him, although Justin was unaware of it. Brian had stopped in front of the diner and stared in at Justin many times. But he was always careful that no one saw him. Brian had expected to run into him at Woodies or Babylon, but he had not and now he knew why. He realized it was probably because Justin was with his new boyfriend. The thought sickened Brian. He rang the doorbell and was greeted by Michael. He followed Michael into the house, afraid of who he was going to see when he reached the living room. "Everyone is already here." Michael said as they walked down the hall to the back of the house to the living room. Michael could see Brian was tense, and Michael whispered to his friend, "Justin is here alone." 

Brian tried not to look relieved as they walked into the living room. The first thing he saw when he walked into the room were Justin's eyes. They immediately made eye contact, and Justin said "Hi, Brian." Brian said, "Hi" and then he had to look away. He wanted to cry. His mind began to race again... 

"God, I miss him. I want to go over to him. I want to pull him close to me, feel his breath on the side of my neck, feel his arms around me, stroke his hair with my fingers. Kiss those beautiful lips of his and tell him that I miss him and want him back." 

But Brian said nothing. He avoided further eye contact with Justin for most of the evening. As everyone gathered around the table for dinner, Brian noticed that Justin chose a seat at the opposite end of the table. Brian remembered how they always use to sit so close to each other before and how Justin would always touch Brian's leg under the the table or brush his shoulder against Brian gently. Brian remembered how by the end of the night at a gathering like this one they would always be anxious to go home and be alone. They would often begin kissing and touching each other before they had even left the party. These memories kept dancing around in Brian's mind. He barely touched his dinner and eventually he excused himself to go outside and have a smoke. He stood alone on the front porch of Michael's house and pulled out a joint and began to smoke it. He thought about how before Justin would have followed him outside and stood with him, but he had to accept that would not be happening anymore. To his surprise, he heard the sound of the front door opening behind him, it was Justin he could tell without even turning around. He could feel him standing behind him. He turned around to face him and they stared at each other in silence for a second. Brian then handed Justin the joint and he took a quick hit from it and handed it back. Justin then said, "How are you Brian?" Brian wanted to tell him that he was terrible and miserable without him and that he wanted him to come home. But instead he just said, "you know me, I am fabulous." He was upset with himself as soon as the words came out of his mouth, but it was too late. " I am glad your okay." Justin replied. Then the front door opened again and it was Ted and Emmett. Emmett said, "We are leaving, Justin honey are you coming with us? Justin replied, "Yes, let me grab my jacket" as he headed for the house. When Justin went inside, Brian could feel Emmett staring at him, and he looked at him and said, "What?" Emmett just responded, "You know what." Then Justin came back out and the three of them headed for Ted's car. Brian could not help but stare as Justin walked away from him again. He wanted Justin to turn around and say "Later" like he had so many times before. He wanted to know that Justin' s leaving was only temporary and that they would see each other later, but that was not true anymore and Justin did not turn around. Brian wanted to call out to him and beg him not to go. But Brian said nothing, and as the car drove away he felt tears begin to pour down his face and then he heard the word fall from his trembling lips for the first time, "I love you, Justin." He had thought it a million times, but he had never allowed himself to actually speak them. When he turned around he was shocked to see Michael standing behind him. Michael walked up to Brian and touched his tear stained face and said, "Brian, you need to tell him before it is too late." Brian collapsed into his friend's arms and said, "I am afraid it already is." Michael stood there holding Brian; he could feel Brian's whole body trembling as he began sobbing. Michael had only seen Brian this upset one other time, the night of the attack. After a few minutes, Brian pulled away from Michael and said, "I am going home." Michael did not argue and he watched as his friend walked to the Jeep, still brushing tears away from his eyes. 

As Brian drove back to the loft, his mind continued to race again. He started thinking about things he had said before, like "I don't believe in love, I just believe in fucking." How he had told Justin that "all you need is yourself." How he had told Lindsay "I don't want to grow old with anyone." His mind was filled with all the stupid things he had said and he finally realized that it was all bullshit. Lindsay and others always said that at least Brian was honest and was true to himself. But, Brian knew the truth. He was full of shit, he did believe in love, and he had found love, with Justin, he needed Justin, and finally he realized that he did want to grow old with someone and that someone was Justin Taylor and only Justin Taylor. Brian had been lying to everyone including himself, and that made his heart feel like it was going to break. He had allowed his self-loathing to destroy his salvation. He had been afraid to surrender himself completely because under that tough exterior there was a young boy who had never felt safe in his own skin and felt like he did not deserve to be loved by anyone. So, he arrived home with all these new self realizations and went to his closet and retrieved a box from the top shelf and from it he removed a scarf covered in his lover's blood and wrapped it around his neck , letting it hang across his breaking heart. He then put on the CD that he had purchased to help Justin recall the prom and as the sound of "Save the Last Dance for me" began to fill the room, Brian wrapped his arms around his own body, and closed his eyes and began to slow dance, imagining that his partner was in his arms dancing with him once again, making his life seem complete again....


	2. Honesty

After the song ended, Brian hesitated before opening his eyes. He did not want the image of Justin in his arms to disappear and leave him feeling incomplete once again. His beautiful memory was however interrupted by the sound of the door to the loft being opened. In the back of his mind, Brian thought it would be Justin, but then he remembered that Justin no longer had a key. 

Brian quickly turned around to find Michael standing behind him. “I was worried about you.” Michael said as he closed the door. “Don’t be.” Brian replied. “Well, by the looks of things I should be” Michael said reaching out and touching the end of the bloody scarf that was still draped around Brian’s neck. “Don’t,” Brian said pushing Michael’s hand away from it. “Brian, talk to me.” Michael said touching his friend’s arm gently. “About what?” Brian asked. “You know about what” Michael replied. “About how I ruined everything, is that what you want to talk about Mikey?” Brian said as he pulled the scarf from around his neck and placed it back into the box that was lying on the table. “I know you love Justin, and that was hard for me to accept, but I know you do.” Michael said. “It does not matter anymore.” Brian mumbled. “Yes, it does matter, you need to tell him how you feel.” Michael replied. Brian walked into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of Jim Beam, Michael followed him and said, “Brian, you can’t run away from this anymore.” Brian replied “The truth is I don’t deserve Justin, he is better off without me.” Michael walked up to his friend and put his hand on his face and said, “Brian, when are you finally going to wake up and realize that you deserve to be loved?” Brian looked into his best friend’s eyes and saw the sincerity in them and he knew that Michael was telling him the truth. He pulled Michael to him and hugged him. Michael said, “I love you Brian Kinney” and Brian said “Me too Mikey, me too.” They stood there hugging for a minute and then Michael said, “Can I have some?” as he pointed at the bottle of Jim Beam. “Of course” Brian replied and he poured his best friend a glass and poured another for himself. 

Michael called Ben and told him that he would be home later, and then he and Brian talked for hours. Brian opened up and told Michael all about his feelings for Justin and Michael actually listened without being negative about Justin. This was the first time since Michael had moved back to Pittsburgh that Brian was able to feel close to him. Before Brian felt like he could not even mention Justin without a rude comment from Michael, so this conversation gave Brian a sense of peace with his best friend that he had been missing for quite sometime. For a long time, Brian had been experiencing all this new feelings of love and closeness and until now he had nobody to confide in about it all. 

So, after several hours of really talking to his best friend, Brian finally felt some relief. Michael left around 2:00 a.m. and Brian crawled into bed. As he lay there trying to fall asleep, he began to devise a plan on how to once again “recapture his lost youth.

The next morning Brian woke up early and decided to head over to Lindsay and Mel’s house. Brian was overwhelmed by the desire to share all these thoughts and feelings he was finally allowing himself to admit to with the people he loved. He stood on the porch and rang the doorbell, after several minutes Melanie answered the door looking like she had just been dragged out of bed. Before she could say anything Brian kissed her on the cheek and said “Good Morning.” Mel looked confused and said, “Am I really awake or is this a dream?” Brian just ignored her and walked into the house, and asked, “Where is Lindsay?” Mel answered, “She is sleeping, it is 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning for Christ Sakes.” Brian started to walk up the stairs toward their bedroom. “Where the hell are you going?” Mel asked. “To talk to Lindsay” he said and continued up the stairs. Melanie just decided to let him go up alone, she went into the kitchen and made some coffee, feeling completely confused. Brian sat down on the bed next to his sleeping friend and ran his hand across her cheek and whispered “Linds, wake up.” She opened her eyes and quickly sat up and said “What is wrong, is something wrong with Gus?” Brian replied, “No, Gus is fine, I just need to talk to you about something.” She looked confused and said, “What do you need to talk to me about this early on a Saturday morning?” He replied, “Justin.” She looked scared again, and said, “He is okay isn’t he?” Brian answered “Yes, he is okay, but I am not.” She looked even more confused, and asked, “Brian Kinney, what the hell are you talking about?” Brian paused for a moment and then he looked her in the eye and said, “I love him, Lindsay.” She grabbed her friend’s hand and looked into his eyes and said, “I know.” Brian then continued, “I love him, and I fucked up and I don’t know what the hell to do.” 

Lindsay, then said, “Just tell him how you feel.” Mel had been listening from the hallway, and she decided now would be a good time to enter the conversation. So, she walked in and said, “And stop fucking around.” He was not surprised to hear her voice, he figured she could not resist listening to their conversation, and he was actually glad she did. He did not want to hide how he felt about Justin anymore. Melanie walked over and sat down on the bed next to Lindsay and kissed her gently on the cheek and Brian thought, “How lucky they are.”

Brian had always made comments about how they were boring and an old married couple, but now he realized like most of his remarks it had all been bullshit, and deep in his heart he longed for what they had but was too afraid he could never have it. He then looked to Lindsay again and asked, “But, what if it is too late?” 

She answered, “Brian, you will never know unless you try, and I think you owe it to yourself and Justin to tell him how you really feel, don’ t you?” Brian did not answer he sat there pondering her question and then he abruptly stood up and said, “I have to go.” Brian quickly walked out to the jeep and drove away. Within ten minutes he was sitting in front of Emmett’s apartment building. Now that he was there he was not sure what he was going to do or say when he went up there. He still had a spare key from when Michael lived there, but he decided against using it. So, he went up to the apartment and knocked on the door. He felt like he had been waiting an eternity when finally he heard Emmett saying, “Justin, Honey did you forget your key again?” Brian felt sick, when he realized Justin was not there, and from what Em had said it seemed he was gone for the night quite often. Brian was going to run, but Emmett opened the door before he could get away. “What in heaven’s name are you doing hear at this hour?” Emmett said as he rubbed his bloodshot eyes. But before Brian could reply, the door to Michael’s old room opened and Justin walked up to the door and said, “What are you doing here?” Brian’s heart was racing, it had been so long since he had seen Justin in his half asleep state. “How beautiful he is,” Brian thought to himself. Brian then said to Justin, “We need to talk.” Emmett rolled his eyes and said, “I am going back to sleep” and with that he went back into his room and shut the door. “Brian, it is 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday, what are you doing here?” Justin asked. “I have to tell you something.” Brian replied. “Well, now is not a good time.” Justin said in low voice. Brian began to panic and he said, “Is he here?” Justin looked angry and he replied, “Yes, he is here, and he has a name, it is Jeremy.” Brian purposely raised his voice and said, “I don’t give a shit what his name is, I need to talk to you.” Before Justin had a chance to respond the bedroom door opened again, and a tall gorgeous blond guy walked out wearing only boxers, and looked at them and said, “Baby, is everything okay?” Justin looked at him, and said, “Yes, go back to sleep, I’m fine.” The guy then said, “Are you sure?” Justin said, “Yes, its okay.” So, Jeremy went back into the bedroom and shut the door. Brian did not know what to do, he just wanted to run, he felt so sick from hearing Jeremy call Justin baby. Justin walked over to the couch and motioned with his hand for Brian to follow him. After they both sat down, Justin said, “What the hell is so important that you came barging into my apartment at 8:00 in the morning?” Brian looked into Justin’s eyes and asked, “Do you love him Justin?” Justin quickly replied, “That is none of your business Brian.” Brian put his hand on Justin’s cheek and said, “I need to know, do you love this guy?” Justin got up and walked over to the window and stood there in silence with his back to Brian. After a few minutes of silence, Brian got up and stood behind him and said, “Look at me please.” 

Justin slowly turned around and faced Brian. “Please answer me, Justin” Brian pleaded. Justin’s eyes began to fill up with tears, and he said “Why are you doing this Brian, I am with Jeremy now?” Brian then asked “Will you do something for me?” Justin replied, “What do you want me to do?” “Will you take a ride with me somewhere?” Brian asked. “Now?” Justin asked looking puzzled. “Yes, now, go throw on some clothes.” Brian said. “I can’t Brian.” Justin said. “You can’t or you won’t?” Brian asked. “I can’t just leave with you right now, Jeremy is in my room waiting and he is probably really upset by now.” Justin replied. “Please Justin, just do this for me” 

Brian pleaded. “Alright, give me five minutes to go throw on some clothes and talk to Jeremy, I will meet you out front.” Justin said. Brian went down to the jeep and waited for Justin, it seemed like the longest five minutes of his life. But finally Justin came out and got into the jeep. Brian began to drive and neither of them said a word. Justin was wondering where in the world Brian was taking him; they seemed to be heading toward Liberty Avenue. When Brian did in fact turn onto Liberty Avenue and parked the car across from Babylon, Justin finally said, “What the hell are we doing here?” Brian got out of the jeep, and said, “Just come with me, okay?” Justin reluctantly exited the jeep and stepped out into Liberty Avenue. He thought how empty it was this early on a Saturday morning compared to how it was after an evening at Babylon. Justin followed Brian down a little past the entrance to Babylon, when suddenly Brian stopped and grabbed Justin’s hand and pushed him up against a pole. Justin was startled and said, “What are you doing?” Brian looked deep into his former lover’s blue eyes and said, “You were standing right here the first time I ever saw you, you looked so beautiful and I knew I had to have you.” Justin said sadly, “That was a long time ago Brian.” Then Justin looked down at the ground. Brian placed his hand under Justin’s chin and forced him to look into his eyes again and said, “You still are beautiful, in fact you become more beautiful to me everytime I see you.” 

“Brian, why are you doing this? ” Justin said as the tears began to pour down his face. Brian took his hand and began wiping tears from Justin’s cheek and then he said, 

 

“Don’t cry, let me finish…Justin, I have never been the same since the night when I first saw you standing here leaning against this pole. I knew it from the start that you were different but I tried to pretend that you were not. I never really understood the way I was feeling because I had never felt that way before ever and it scared the shit out of me. But, now I finally understand that I have been such a fool. You know how I always said I did not believe in love, well I really thought I did not, maybe because of my childhood I believed I did not deserve to be loved. But, you changed that; you loved me in a way that I never thought was possible. Sure, Michael loves me, but it was not the same thing because you did not let me push you away and you got to me more than I ever wanted to admit. But, I was still scared and I never gave in completely to you. But I should have. Do you also remember how I always said, all you need is yourself? Well, I was wrong about that too. It is okay to need someone, and Justin I need you. I miss you Sunshine”.

Justin was overwhelmed; he did not know what to think.

He looked at Brian and said, “Brian, I miss you too, but I can’t go back to the way things were. I am not that same kid you saw standing here almost two years ago. I am different, we are different.” 

Brian replied, “I know many things are different now Justin, but that does not matter, all that matters is this” Brian said as he grabbed Justin and kissed him passionately. Their tongues instantly began to explore each other’s mouths, but suddenly Justin pulled away. “I can’t Brian” Justin said and he turned his back and began to walk as quickly as he could away from Brian. 

Justin’s heart was racing and so was his mind. 

 

“I can’t believe I am walking away from him. I still love him more than anything. But, I can’t go back to him. He wants something different than what I want. I want to be with just one person, I want to be enough for my lover. I am enough for Jeremy and he loves me too. He tells me all the time how much he loves me. Brian has never told me he loved me, I know he cares for me, but I don’t think he loves me and I want to be loved. I can’t spend my whole life waiting for him to change, because he is not going to, Michael was right. He is who he is.” 

Justin had only made it to the corner when he heard Brian’s footsteps coming up quickly behind him, so he stopped and turned around. They both stood there staring at each other and Brian said, “I love you Justin.”

Justin almost fell over when he heard the words he had waited so long to hear. Before Justin could say anything Brian said, “and I want to be with you, just you and me, no more tricks.” Justin started to cry again, but this time they were tears of joy. He grabbed Brian and kissed him and said, “I love you too Brian.” Then they began kissing again. After several minutes, Brian said, “Will you please come home now?” Justin looked up at his lover and smiled one of his sunshine smiles and said, “Yes, there is nothing I would rather do.” So, they got back into the jeep and headed for the loft. During the entire drive, Brian held tightly onto Justin’s hand. He finally felt complete, he was no longer half a person. When they reached the loft, they began kissing and pulling each other’s clothes off. But suddenly Brian stopped and said, “Let’s slow down, we have the rest of our lives, don’t we?” Justin looked deeply into his beautiful lover’s eyes and said, “Yes, we do.” After several hours of making love, the reunited couple lay naked in their bed holding one another. Justin had fallen asleep and Brian was watching. He had missed Justin more than he had ever thought possible and he did not want to take his eyes off of him for fear that he would disappear again. At around 6:00 p.m. Justin finally woke up. He looked at Brian and said, “I thought I was dreaming.” Brian smiled and touched his cheek and said, “No you are not dreaming.” Suddenly Justin sat up and said, “Oh, shit, I forgot about Jeremy.” A devilish smile came across Brian’s face, and he said, “Well, than my plan was a success.” They both started laughing and Justin climbed on top of Brian and began to kiss him again, and then he said “I love you, Brian” and Brian looked right into his eyes and said, “I love you too, Justin.”


End file.
